After believing all my life that the Indian political system, and by extension Bihar's political setup, was an over-bloated organization filled with departments with zero relevance in real life (Ganna Mantralaya, Rajbhasha Mantralaya anyone?), I finally realized, in a moment of epiphany if you will, that the state government was simply not large enough and there were many new departments that were just waiting to be created and filled with even more bureaucrats who could ease the life of the 'aam aadmi' just a bit more than what it already is.
This led to my quest for the search of other government departments and offices waiting to be discovered or created by our Chief Minister Nitish Kumar who, by the way, is known for his love for a humongous bureaucracy because that actually frees him from minding the state business and leaves him free to continue to lecture others about the benefit of prohibition in Bihar and spend his time more wisely to plan his next human chain.
By following my suggestions here, the government, besides creating hundreds of new jobs for even more 'competent' netas (like Ram Vilas Paswan's son-in-law who recently dumped the party of his 'sasur' to join hands with Saint Lalu), would help usher Bihar into a new era of prosperity where life will be all milk and honey and roses and unicorns with even more 'red tape' in our state.
After months of careful research and countless interviews with two-bit netajis with PhDs in Casteism and Post-Docs in Party-Switching and their minions, I have compiled a list of new departments that would improve the lives of all of us who were fortunate enough to be born in glorious state like Bihar and even more fortunate enough to have been born in the second half of the 20th century or later when the state was graced with the presence of pious and great souls like Karpoori Thakur, Jagannath Mishra, St. Lalu, Mother Rabri Teresa, and Enlightened Nitish and a few others.
So, without further ado, here is the list of new ministries that I am proposing with the hope that His Highness Chief Minister Nitish Kumar, Praise Be Upon Him, will give it a serious consideration in the interest of the people of Bihar:
1. Nara and Dharna (Slogan and Sit-in) Minister – The department that organizes all nara-bazi either outside the state Assembly or at various popular spots for such events like Kargil Chowk, Gardanibagh, R-Block etc. Possible candidates for Nara/Dharna Minister - Jitan Ram Manjhi, Tejaswi Yadav, Raghuvansh Prasad Singh, Pappu Yadav.
2. Party-Switch Minister – As the name suggests, this cabinet department must be consulted before a party member decides to change party affiliation. Granted it would be a very busy department, it still has a very important place in our government. Shivanand Tiwari will make an excellent candidate followed by Mahadalit Mahapurush Jitan Ram Manjhi.
3. Accident Minister – Since road and train accidents are quite common in Bihar, it makes it a necessity to have this department. It will oversee the cause and effect of all the mishaps in Bihar and decide on what mob action is justified and what is not.
4. Compensation Minister – This all-powerful minister decides who gets how much compensation in deaths involving road/train accident, communal violence, Indo-Pak border, murder, and other unnatural deaths. Not only it would speed up the process of announcing compensation for the victims, it also provides ample opportunity for corruption wherein the minister makes a deal with the victim's family to fatten his own wallet.
5. Crime Minister - All crime reports have to be cleared by this department first before heading to the courts of law. The minister will decide what case needs to be referred to the court and which one does not. Also has vast potential for corruption.
6. Idiot Minister – Just because some people were born idiots does not mean they don't have a need for representation in the government. Rabri Devi could be put to use in running this department. I expect it to be a very busy department in a state like Bihar.
7. Milan Samaroh Minister – Milan Samaroh, wherein leaders gather on public stage with gigantic 'phool ka mala' to welcome turncoats and betrayers into their party, is a regular feature of Bihar politics so why not have a full-fledged department to manage it?
8. Inauguration Minister – This person shall be responsible for inaugurating everything – new buildings, new shops, new schemes, new public or private facilities. Since it requires a special skill in ribbon-cutting with a scissor, the candidates for this post must be recruited carefully. It also frees up the Chief Minister to organize more rallies and yatras.
9. Statue Minister – Unless this department gives its green signal to erect a new statue in Bihar, no one would be allowed to put his wife's or parents' statue in public parks or road intersections. Statues are an integral part of Bihar and so the department needs to be headed by someone who has deep knowledge and understanding of Bihar's history and culture – like Tej Pratap Yadav. Great choice no matter how you look at it!
10. Casteism Minister – This minister, who is a walking encyclopedia when it comes to facts and figures about caste and class and how they breakdown in Bihari politics, would be responsible for maintaining and promoting casteism in the society. Words are that there are many politicians in Bihar who qualify for the job making the recruitment process extremely difficult.
11. Reservation Minister – He gets to decide which group gets how much reservation in jobs and school and who doesn't deserve any reservation at all. Both Jitan Ram Manjhi and Ram Vilas Paswan are said to be interested in this department but some think they are over- qualified.
Though this is not, by any means, an exhaustive list of departments that need to be created urgently, it's a start in the right direction. I implore the readers to think hard about it and come up with their own suggestions to help our Chief Minister become a strong leader.
Who will pay for these new departments, you ask? The same suckers, er, taxpayers who are paying for our existing departments now along with footing the bills for Nitish Kumar's many yatras, conventions, and conclaves.